Understanding

“Why is this happening Oh Lord?”

I don’t know why I knew my ex-boyfriend.

At a point in my life, a guy loved me so much, and cared about me so much. This guy understood me so much that he even understands me even when I can no longer understand myself. He loved me that much.

I did not feel that kind of love, understanding and care from my ex-boyfriend.

I felt like my ex-boyfriend was a mission to me. I wanted to make him feel the kind of love, care, and understanding that I had. That made me keep our relationship for a while. But it still ended. I thought I was already successful in giving him the love that I imagined. Sad to say, he said that he did not feel it.

Yes, sure, there were happy moments. But I felt like I adjusted more to fit with him. Worse, I even felt more hurt than love. He told me “Yes, it’s true, at some point before, he pushed me away, and he was bad at me.” Ouch! That hurt a lot! I asked him to say sorry for what he did but he said that that was already past gone. He did not say sorry because according to him I was late in telling him his faults. He even said “If your son did a mistake before, and he is correcting it now, you will not tell him his mistakes before, right?” That moment, I felt not understood.

“I was hurt,” I said. “Is it my fault if  I just felt the pain now, when you stabbed me months or years ago?”

I am really hurt. But he said he was also hurt.

Ok.

I am asking him to say sorry because I know in that way, I will heal faster. But he did not. Instead, he just said, he was already sorry for what he did so he is changing now.

I really want to leave him, as a friend and a business partner. But honestly, I can’t. It’s difficult. “Lord God why?” I pleaded. I can hear Him say, “Because you are the only one who can understand him.” I even told him that I want to leave and if ever I will be leaving him, kawawa naman siya.

I want to leave because I want to heal. After my realizations that he was bad at me, my heart and mind was full of anger and hurt. I want to heal. I believe that I will heal faster and better if I stay far from him and not talk to him, maybe for a while of even for years. With that I was clear that I want to leave him to heal.

I want to leave because I want him to realize my worth. As they say, “You will never realize one’s worth until he or she is gone."

I also thought that he doesn’t really know how to value people. He was able to leave a 6-year relationship. He still fights with his mom at the age of 29. Thus, I concluded, he can also give me up and our friendship.

Conflicting thoughts at the back of my mind. Will he realize my worth? Will it really help me to become a better person leaving him? What if he will meet someone that he thinks can understand, care and love him more than I do? Will I ever find someone for me? Is he really my mission?

I deserve a better person. I deserve the best. I will not settle for anything less, just like him. And even if he is already a changed man and single, I will never go back to him, not again.

I can feel it in my heart and mind, I’m angry and hurt.

Why is this happening?

I clearly don’t know. But I just read today, from Rissa Sangson-Kawpeng’s Confessions of an Imaptient Bride, that God never disappoints. St. Francis of Assisi wrote, “Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

I clearly don’t know when I can forgive my ex-boyfriend and when I can heal. All I can do now is to love, care and understand myself more everyday and pray for God’s healing, love and grace as I deal with my healing.

Today, as part of my healing, I said more than 10 times that I love myself.

It’s not as easy as easy moving on after a break-up. But affirmations like “I love myself” and “I deserve the best” as many times as possible everyday help.

To love more than I could? Was that his mission to me? To bring out the best in me? Probably not. I think he is bringing the worst in me.

Lord, guide me as I make decisions in life.

I trust in You.

I love You.

Aha! Thank God I remembered what Bo Sanchez said during the Feast. If your boyfriend dumps you, be thankful. God is taking someone away from you to make room for a better one.

Thank God! Alleluia! I can see the heaven’s gate to true happiness. Love it!

Now, at 11pm, I have a clearer mindset of going back to Saudi as a nurse. To heal a broken heart, to leave a person, to make room for a better one…

Now, magaan sa pakiramdam.

Emotionally ready nako sa flight next month. Yehey!

Goodnight;=)